A Rant: Fuck Safe Driver Programs

I just finished one of those safe driver discount programs, and man let me tell you, this stuff is bullshit.

I don’t want to jump through your hoops for some piddling discount; I want to get some fucking credit for a 21-years-clean driving record.

Oh, your statistics say that “hard braking events” are associated with more accidents? What if some asshole runs across the highway and I and 20 other drivers have to slam on our brakes to protect this fool’s life? Good thing that’ll never- OH WAIT IT FUCKING HAPPENED, and now I get to pay more than I would have.

Not to mention that the agent didn’t even mention your program up front; I had to find out two weeks later that you were basically offering me a teaser rate to fool me into thinking I was saving a few bucks, when you really were just going to charge me the same rate for the same exact coverage.

For three months, my phone was spying on me. I couldn’t trust it. I couldn’t check traffic on my GPS route. If I accidentally brushed the screen with my finger, that counted as a “distracted driving incident”. I had to check every morning that riding with a friend or running around the neighborhood wasn’t getting misclassified as me driving dangerously.

This shit is absurd. The KPIs quite transparently don’t match up to real life, even if they’re catching some real and true statistical correlations with accident rates.

Fuck these Orwellian safe driver programs. MOTHERFUCKER, MY RECORD HAS BEEN CLEAN FOR 21 YEARS, IF THAT CAN’T PROVE I’M A SAFE DRIVER THEN YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID.

Rant over.